


lost all sense of control

by HotterInHell



Series: she looks so helpless [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Non-sexual, Omorashi, Past Abuse, Watersports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 01:08:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7993036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HotterInHell/pseuds/HotterInHell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After fleeing from an abusive relationship with James, Maria struggles to let go of the habits he instilled in her and the tolls their relationship had on her. Eliza provides her with a shoulder to lean on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lost all sense of control

**Author's Note:**

> This prompt was given to me by an awesome person on Tumblr (who wishes to remain anonymous) and today is their birthday, so this is my birthday present to them!!!!!
> 
> There is mentions of abuse in this so if this bothers you, please don't read (but it isn't explicit or descriptive, just a brief overview).

“Morning beautiful,” Eliza murmured as Maria began to stir beside her. The room was drenched in light, alarming Maria to the fact that she must have slept nearly all of the morning away.

“What time is it?” Maria asked, panic beginning to set it. She was supposed to wake up at 6 every morning, at least that was what she had been made to do.

“It’s just gone 10, someone slept well,” Eliza teased, a big smile crossing her face as she brushed a strand of hair off of Maria’s face.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have overslept–” Maria began.

“Hey don’t apologise, you needed rest!” Eliza replied, her voice as bright as sunshine.

“How long have you been awake?” Maria asked, concerned.

“An hour or so.”

“You should have woken me up. Have you eaten yet?” 

“No, I wanted to wait so we could eat together!” Eliza smiled as she kissed Maria on the forehead.

“I’m really sorry–”

“Stop apologising! It’s okay–”

“I’ll get you breakfast ready!” Maria replied hurriedly, scrambling out of bed and rushing to put on some more decent clothing, not wanting to inconvenience Eliza further.

“Take your time beautiful, I’m just going to get started on my work for today.” Eliza replied, making no move to get up as she pulled her laptop onto her lap, the lid of which was covered in as many stickers as possible (thanks to Peggy, of course). 

It wasn’t long after Maria made her way into the kitchen that she began to feel dull pain coming from her abdomen. It was something that over the last 5 years she had come to be familiar with, but that didn’t stop her heart from racing and her hands from shaking. When Maria had finally worked up the courage to flee from James, she had brought a lot of demons with her into Eliza’s life. But Eliza was nothing like him. She was kind, encouraging. She knew that Maria was haunted by the relentless abuse but she was patient, always putting her needs before her own. Maria had never known what it was like to be looked after, but with Eliza she did. The painful memories were not yet starting to fade, it was too early for that, and neither were the habits that James had instilled in her, enforced through the fear of the daggers that pierced her skin as he hurled poisoned words at her, and worse through the bruises that never seemed to fade. 

The worst of it all was that Maria was never allowed to do anything on her own. For every single decision that Maria ever made, she had to ask permission. What to wear, what to read, what jobs to apply for, but even worse, basic human needs as to what to eat, what to drink, and when to go to the bathroom.

It wouldn’t have been as bad if he was nice. James was a lot of things, a lot of _bad_ things, so he _definitely_ wasn’t nice.

It was humiliating. Degrading. The most horrible experience you could even imagine. Having to _ask_ for something as basic as going to the bathroom. But that wasn’t the heart of it. The issue wouldn’t have been if he’d said yes. The issue was that the majority of the time, he said no.

It didn’t matter how nicely she asked. It didn’t matter how many things she did to help him, or to gain his praise. If he had decided no, there was no changing his mind. Begging was often her only resort, as tears threatened to spill down her face and the pain of trying to hold on became unbearable. If she begged, if she wet herself, the abuse was non-stop. It was a common occurrence for her to be found, huddled in a corner, in a puddle of her own piss as she struggled to not let the panic overwhelm her. She never succeeded.

Whenever Maria was on her own in the house, she forced herself to put down her phone as she began to text a message to Eliza, or sometimes even James as she accidentally slipped back into believing that she’d never truly escaped him, to ask permission first. It felt rebellious, but she knew that Eliza would think she was weird and gross and she wouldn’t understand. At least that’s what Maria thought. When the two of them were home together, the issue of needing things was more difficult. 

Maria would never admit it but she’d come close to an accident a couple of times already, but she’d forced herself to just get up and go like a normal person. But it felt wrong. It felt like she was an inconvenience, that it shouldn’t be in her control. That’s how she felt now.

Maria had been asleep for over 12 hours and the feeling of pure desperation hit her out of nowhere like a freight train, causing her to drop the cutlery she was holding onto the floor as she quickly doubled over. It definitely didn’t help that Eliza had kept encouraging her to keep up her fluids with the current summer temperatures.

“You okay, Maria?” Eliza called out from the other room at the noise.

“I’m fine,” Maria replied, somehow managing to reply in an unwavering voice as she struggled to bend over fully to retrieve the silverware without putting too much pressure on her swollen bladder.

The sound of running water as Maria began to fill the kettle for Eliza’s morning coffee was agonizing. Her legs squeezed together as waves of desperation crashed over her, her hands shaking as she grabbed pans from the cupboards in the hope to make an elaborate breakfast for Eliza, after she’d waited a long time for Maria to wake up. She briefly thought about rushing to the bathroom quickly while the eggs sizzled on the stove, but she knew she couldn’t. She’d already inconvenienced Eliza enough this morning, she didn’t want to make her wait. She didn’t want to give her a reason to be angry with her, not that Eliza had ever been upset with her before, but the image of James loomed behind her tightly shut eyes as she squirmed in her place. She couldn’t give him a reason to be angry with her. Give _her_ a reason, she quickly corrected, trying to block out any thought of him.

She tried to direct her concentration to the bench in front of her, trying to let the faint sound of Eliza tapping on her keyboard in the other room keep her grounded, so she didn’t get lost in her head. It was dangerous for her to let her dark thoughts overwhelm her.

Just as she uncrossed her legs to reach up and grab a glass from one of cupboards above the sink, she felt her muscles contract tightly as an extreme surge of pain overcame her, causing her to cry out in agony. She faintly heard the glass smash into a million pieces on the bench in front of her which was drowned out by her crying out in pain, shoving her hands hurriedly between her legs. Not that it helped. She didn’t even notice Eliza worriedly calling out and rushing into the kitchen, just as rivulets of pee began to pour down Maria’s legs.

Eliza ran forward as Maria collapsed, catching her before she hit the ground. She slowly lowered her, as golden liquid spread out around her. The tears were falling freely from Maria’s eyes, as she tried to hide behind her shaking hands. Her breath repeatedly hitched in her throat as she struggled to catch her breath, crying hysterically. Panic flooded in as she thrashed in Eliza’s arms, trying to get away from her.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, get away from me, I’m disgusting, you hate me and you’re going to hurt me just like he did and I can’t, I can’t live through that or you’re going to leave me or–” Maria babbled in pure terror as the thoughts of the years of abuse filled her mind.

“Shhhh it’s okay, you’re not disgusting, I’m not leaving you.” Eliza whispered, her voice as soothing as honey as she rubbed Maria’s back, trying to reassure her and calm her down from her state of panic. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Eliza cooed, as she scooped Maria up and began carrying her to the bathroom.

“No, please, please,” Maria cried quietly, her voice faint as though her accident had drained all her energy.

Maria let her eyes close as she went limp in Eliza’s arms. When she slowly opened her eyes again, her vision was blurry with tears as she felt Eliza slowly lower her into the bathtub. “You okay?” Eliza whispered as the bath began to fill with water. Maria shook her head slightly as she buried her face in Eliza’s shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but just know that when you’re ready, I’ll be here. I’ll _always_ be here. I love you, and nothing that he did to you is going to change that, you hear me?” Maria replied this time with a small nod, as warm water began to rise around her legs.

Maria must have drifted off because when she came to, the water was receding from the tub and there was a strong smell of sweet, floral scented body wash in the air.

“I’m sorry,” Maria whispered, her voice as small as she felt.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. This is his fault, not yours. I love you.” Eliza soothed, her voice warm as she leaned in to place a tender kiss on Maria’s bright red lips.

“I love you too.” Maria replied softly, allowing a very small smile to creep onto her lips.

“Let’s get you into bed.” Eliza spoke, beginning to gather Maria into her arms.

“I can walk you know,” Maria joked meekly, despite letting Eliza support her weight as she stepped out of the tub. However, when Maria tried to take a step forward on her own, she found her legs giving way as she fell against Eliza.

“Oh really?” Eliza teased as she scooped up Maria for the second time that day.

“Shhh.” Maria giggled, momentarily letting the incident leave her mind.

The two girls made their way into the bedroom and Eliza helped Maria slide under the cosy covers as she quickly began to slip into a deep sleep. Before her eyes drooped close, she felt Eliza snuggle up against her. The last thought that crossed mind, was that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay with someone as incredible as Eliza in her life.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoy this fic! I have another similar one coming up soon with the roles reversed, so stay tuned!
> 
> Feel free to leave comments and kudos, and find me at @HotterInHell on Tumblr if you want to send me a prompt!


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